Harry's uncanny steamy nose
by Jali1
Summary: *~*~*~*~*~Harry accepts a drink from a certain enemy of his, and things go downhill from there. ITZ A PARODY! ITZ SUPPOSED 2 BE SENDING UP HARRY POTTER!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ~*~*~*~*~*~


A/N: this is my first attempt, so be kind!!! (by the way, I'm sort of sending myself up in this story, because of all the corny jokes I make. ENJOY!)  
  
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"MY GOD HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!" Hermione had just walked into the carriage that Harry, Ron and her were staying in 'till the Hogwarts Express reached school. She had just caught Harry in the act of accepting a drink from his arch-nemesis, Draco Malfoy.  
  
"What are you yelling about, Mudblood?" Malfoy replied with a sneering grin on his face.  
  
Hermione looked hurt, but only for a few seconds. "I think you know already, Slytherin Scum!"  
  
"Oh ppuhhhlease Hermione, I'm parched, and it's just a dr." Harry then fell onto the floor, obviously unconscious. Malfoy smirked.  
  
"I knew he would fall for it! This is all too easy. Well Mudblood, I best be on my way. A couple of Hufflepuff first years just bought some chocolate frogs, and I have a soft spot for those jumping delicacies."  
  
"Your lucky this is the Hogwarts Express, or I would have cursed you into next week! Isn't it a little low, even for you to steep, stealing from younger children? Oh, wait, you stoop so low your back has a permanent hump!" Hermione knew this was a weak comeback, but she couldn't just stand there. She ran over to Harry, checking if he was breathing.  
  
"Worry about your boyfriend later. I have more important things to worry about. Now for those chocolate frogs." Hermione didn't get to yell at him any more. He was already half way down the corridor towards the first years.  
  
Finally the Hogwarts Express reached Hogwarts, with the still unconscious Harry lying on the floor. Hermione had sent an owl to the school headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, requesting that Harry, Hermione and Ron go with the first years to the boats, even though they were in they're 6th year. Hermione got a Howler back from Dobby, the house elf.  
  
"Perfect, I bet he couldn't afford parchment." Grumbled Hermione. Wasting no time, Hermione opened the Howler. This is what it said.  
  
"HI! IT'S DOBBY HERE! SORRY! DOBBY IS HURTING HIS HEAD WITH AN IRON! BAD DOBBY! BAD DOBBY! DOBBY DID NOT MEAN TO SEND HOWLER. DOBBY IS SORRY. DOBBY HAD NO PARCHMENT. DOBBY WENT TO SECREET STORES OF SNAPE! DOBBY FOUND HOWLER. DOBBY IN BIG TROUBLE. OWCH! BAD DOBBY, BAD DOBBY! DOBBY HAS IMPORTANT NEWS! COME TO KITCHEN WHEN HOGWARTS TRAIN ARRIVES. OWCH!"  
  
"Oh no." said Hermione. Everyone was staring at the pair, Ron and Hermione, carrying an unconscious Harry towards the huge, grey shape that is Hagrid.  
  
"Hey Hagrid, can you give us a hand?" Yelled Ron, afraid that his voice wouldn't go up that high. "Oh hi Ron, welcome back! And Hermione! Oh, what 'appened ta 'arry?" said Hagrid cheerfully at first, then his voice grew serious.  
  
"He drunk something that was given to him .by Malfoy." Said Hermione gravely.  
  
Hagrid chuckled. "Oh! Is that all? You nearly got me worried, cor, I can fix that!" Hagrid chuckled again.  
  
"What's so funny?" yelled Hermione, making a scene. All the first years in Hagrid's boat, and all the ones around it, looked at him. Hagrid blushed.  
  
"Hush Hermione, you don't want to make a scene." Hagrid blushed again.  
  
"OH, WELL I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE AREN'T I? I WAS CALLED A MUDBLOOD A MILLION TIMES! I WAS HURT BUT I DIDN'T CARE BECAUSE I THOUGHT HARRY WAS IN DANGER. AND NOW YOU TELL ME ITS FUNNY??? WELL SORRRRRRRRY HAGRID! I CARE ABOUT MY FRIENDS MORE THAN THAT!!!" Hermione's face was red, but it wasn't from blushing. It was red from anger. Ron just sat there. His eyes going from Hermione, to Hagrid, Hermione, Hagrid, Hermione, Hagrid etc. Harry moved his head, and grumbled something about not wanting THAT teddy, wanting the black one in the window, and rolled over.  
  
Hermione and Hagrid looked over to Harry. Ron stopped his eye dancing. They all stared down at the boy who lived, looked at each other, and burst out laughing. Finally, Harry abandoned the "teddy" theory, and let out a feeble, "ha." All the others then laughed even harder, Hagrid wiping tears from his eyes all the while.  
  
"Good old 'arry, 'e always knew 'ow ta make a person laugh." Said Hagrid, wringing out his beard. Hermione laughed at him.  
  
"You didn't cry that hard Hagrid, did you?"  
  
"You'd be surprised, giant tears make a giant beard mighty wet!" Hagrid laughed at his weak pun. Ron laughed.  
  
"Dumbledore would know a lot about 'giant' beards!" Ron laughed at his joke. Hagrid laughed, but then said his own joke.  
  
"If spit is considered a beard, so would Fang!" As they laughed, and laughed, and laughed, they never thought when Harry's nose stopped producing steam, when the gas of that steam went into they're system, and they laughed harder, for no apparent reason.  
  
"Kelvin Magiholo!" "Hufflepuff!"  
  
"Harriet Goffo!" "Gryfinor!" Harry lay in the Hospital Wing, listening to the sorting hat, sorting the first years. Every time a Gryfindor was called, Harry managed a feeble "yay!" before settling back into his bed.  
  
"How are you feeling Harry?" Harry woke with very fuzzy vision. He reached for his glasses and put them on to find himself surrounded by first years, all eager to get a glimpse of "the boy who lived". Madam Pomfrey was pushing her way through the crowd towards Harry.  
  
"Move, get out. get out. EVERYONE! GET OUT OF MY WAY! Oh, how are you feeling Harry? My goodness." She said, then raised her voice a little louder so Harry could hear her.  
  
"Some People Would Think Its Signature Week Here, Huh Harry." Madam Pomfrey glared at a couple of them with parchment and quills around the front, making them all shrink back. She glared even more at a small first year at the front with blonde hair, holding a camera.  
  
"What's your name?" She said through her teeth.  
  
"Creevy madam! Christopher Creevy!" said the young boy with a grin. Harry groaned. Hasn't his older brother got enough pictures of me? Thought Harry. He shook the thought. No Creevy could ever take enough photo's of him. Christopher's older brother had started a one man HP fan club during the summer once. Him and his brother had sent him owl after owl telling Harry how great he was. This is an example.  
  
Dear our one and only Sir. Harry Potter.  
  
We are forever in your debt for paying us so greatly with your presence. The pleasure is forever ours. I have made a book about you. It has but one line. That line is He is GREAT! I hope you like it. Here is a copy.  
  
From your biggest fan's EVER!  
  
Colin and Christopher Creevy.  
  
Harry groaned again. Not another Creevy. He would prefer to.  
  
"Kiss a hog, with a sinus infection, who had just eaten a bucket of poo, which had come from the MALFOY FAMILY SEWERS!!!!" Yelled Harry to Hermione and Ron when they came to 'visit' him. Ron was remembering the time his "slug" spell backfired on himself and he found himself chucking up slugs for the rest of the day.  
  
"I think I would prefer the Creevy's." said Ron, shivering.  
  
"Are you cold? I could lend you a blanket, come on, come to the common room, I'll get you a jacket." Asked Hermione, her voice full of concern.  
  
"I wish I could. Remember? The boat flipped when we laughed too hard. My legs are still frozen solid!"  
  
"Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot." Hermione was lucky she had come out of the lake with but a frozen pinky finger, and Madam Pomfrey could fix that easily. "But thawing out frozen legs is a different matter. Glasses, fingers, they are easy. (A/N: Harry's glasses had frozen. Luckily Hagrid had grabbed the unconscious Harry before he sunk, and swam back to shore.) But thawing out legs, that's a different story." So Ron was stuck until the potion took effect. Ron banged on his legs with his knuckles.  
  
"OWCH!" cried Ron, shoving his fist into his mouth. He pulled out his hand. His knuckles had an unfriendly graze on them.  
  
"That will need fixing up." Said Hermione. "HEALIO KNUCKBOLO!" said Hermione, nice and clear, pointing her wand at Ron's knuckles. A string of blue electricity came out of the end of Hermione's wand. Soon Ron's knuckles were fine again.  
  
"Thanks." Breathed Ron, sucking on his knuckles. I wonder why his knuckles were grazed, when they should just be jarred? Thought Harry.  
  
Harry was too sick to think about it. He decided to just roll over (which was more than Ron could do!) and go to sleep. Hermione thought that it was time for her to go study for her O.W.L's ("They're starting in 10 months! I just have to get a head start.") The last thing Harry saw was Ron's amused grin, and the last thing he heard was Ron laughing. Little did Ron or Harry know, but steam was being produced from Harry's nose, and each whip of steam that emerged made Ron laugh a little harder.  
  
  
  
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A/N: Well, I hope you liked it! Draco's evil, Harry's a weirdo, and Ron can't stop laughing. ok. well, not exactly what I was expecting. but it was 1,493 words long, and for a first chapter, I'm pretty proud. Well, thanx 4 reading, and PLZ REVIEW!! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR EVIL!! CONSTRUCTIVE PLZ!!! Well, don't forget to check back to see where the next wacky chapter is gunna go.  
  
HE 


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